Sometimes an idea comes along and it sticks in your brain, starts to shift how you think and act, and eventually settles in as ONE BIG IDEA that becomes a regular part of life.

Every now and then, we’ll drop a big idea here related to parent mental & emotional wellness. We promise to always break these ideas down into easy, digestible, and actionable chunks that parents can use.

Let’s get started!

What is emotional trauma?

As you might imagine, there is no straightforward answer. Mental health professionals who have to diagnose or categorize, rely on the DSM-5 (kind of like the bible of mental health diagnosis) that defines trauma as the “exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence.” Big, stressful events like children experiencing divorce or adults experiencing a job loss do not meet these criteria.

But other trauma experts have broader definitions. For Bessel van der Kolk, MD, founder of the Trauma Center and author of The Body Keeps the Score,

Trauma is an event that overwhelms the central nervous system and changes the way you remember and react. It's something overwhelming that your central nervous system and your mind are incapable of assimilating and integrating into your life.

Peter Levine, PhD (founder of Somatic Experiencing and author of Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma, defines trauma as happening when “a person is ‘stuck’ in the fight, flight, or freeze responses.” (see this overview to learn more about the fight, flight, and freeze responses). Trauma is not defined by the event, but rather by the lack of support after the event as well as the nervous system being trapped in a stress response for an extended period of time.

For Frank Anderson, MD (psychiatrist, trauma therapist, and author of Transcending Trauma), trauma is “a relational violation that disrupts our sense of trust and safety in the world and limits access to our Self-energy.” Ongoing responses to past traumas include flashbacks, dissociations (feeling disconnected to one’s body and the present moment), and intense physical distressing symptoms.

One of the common features these experts highlight is the mind and body being stuck in the past traumatic event. While the event has happened in the past, the individual continues to respond to current environmental triggers as if the trauma was occurring again. The longer this goes on, the stronger stress-related neural pathways in the brain become. Thus the physical stress response in the body gets worse over time.

What these definitions have in common is that trauma is characterized by:

1. being exposed to something very threatening,
2. the threatened person lacking adequate support immediately afterwards, and
3. a part of the threatened person’s mind and body getting stuck in the past traumatic event.

Where does the idea of trauma come from?

Trauma comes from the ancient Greek word for “wound.” In the early days of psychiatry, “hysteria” was considered to be the result of traumatic events, particular sexual trauma. Trauma became a focus of mental health professionals particularly in the wake of wars, beginning after WWI.

From WWI to the Vietnam War, many soldiers returned home with what was known then as “shell shock” or “battlefield fatigue.” Today, we know it as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Also, after the Vietnam War women activists brought greater attention to the trauma of domestic and sexual violence.

In 1980, for the first time, the American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-III included PTSD as a distinct diagnosis. It defined “trauma” as an event “outside the range of usual human experience.” Since 1980, the idea of trauma and PTSD have become infused in American culture.

Why should parents care about the idea of emotional trauma?

Many trauma experts, like van der Kolk, Levine, and Anderson, see trauma as existing on a continuum. There’s no clear line dividing trauma from just a regular stressful experience. This means that pretty much everyone has experienced some level of emotional trauma.

If parents don’t start to do the internal work of acknowledging and healing their past trauma(s), these wounds can trickle out to affect everyone around us. In other words, if we are unaware of how past hurts impact us today, it’s possible we may recreate the same dynamics within our own new family systems.

When we approach trauma as lying on a continuum we see how we and our children may be impacted in ways we hadn’t considered before. Relational trauma includes not being seen, heard or validated and this can be inherently traumatizing; individuals begin to question their reality, worth and perception. Furthermore, feeling quickly triggered with fear or anger, shutting down, withdrawal, or feelings of defensiveness, are all signs of post-traumatic stress.

Disturbing thoughts, feelings, and actions can continue when one is stuck in a “trauma loop.” A trauma loop is where an individual repeatedly experiences the trauma through their bodies and minds. Over time this increases the trauma response and continues to contaminate how the individual organizes their life almost as if the trauma is still occurring.

Trauma keeps us stuck in the past because trauma changes the brain. Merely talking about a trauma is not sufficient because trauma is also stored within our bodies. Working with a trauma-informed therapist or coach can help parents incorporate body-based therapies that can help rewire the central nervous system for safety, connection and emotion regulation.

How can parents use the idea of emotional trauma in their daily lives?

Understanding trauma is important because trauma transcends medical definitions. What’s important to understand is that it’s not the event itself necessarily, but rather the meaning the individual attaches to the traumatic event. For example, it’s not uncommon for trauma survivors to depersonalize themselves and diminish their efforts (“I caused it,” “I’m at fault”, “I should have fought harder.”) Through therapeutic support and guidance, the meaning of traumatic events can radically change, allowing for deep and lasting healing (“I am enough,” “I did the best I absolutely could” “No one could have ever predicted something like this occurring.”).

Trauma is not a life sentence. Even the worst mental and emotional trauma can be healed with the right therapeutic support. If you suspect that trauma responses (shutting down, withdrawal, depersonalization, addictions or any behaviors that feel out of alignment with your True Self) are impacting your life and parent-child relationships, then finding a trauma-informed therapist is a vital next step.

In the meantime, there are several small and powerful steps parents can take to make more mental and emotional space inside their system and lay the groundwork for true healing. Our weekly Wellness Resets include 5-minute meditations that will help slow things down and calm your nervous system; our Therapy Quick Bites are full of simple, doable actions that will bring more presence and relaxation into your life; and finally please send our expert therapists questions about challenges your facing and they’ll answer them on the next Therapist’s Circle.

Know that you’re not alone. The Yes Collective is a team of therapists, coaches, and researchers dedicated to helping all parents thrive against the odds. We have your back!

Written by: Justin Wilford, PhD and Alicia Wuth, PsyD

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