When we say “I don’t want to talk about it,” we usually mean, “I don’t want to bring this thing I’m feeling to the surface; it’s just too painful and uncomfortable.” A part of us thinks that if we can avoid talking about it, we might also avoid feeling it. And if we can avoid feeling it, we can get on with our lives.

But as the famous Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung once wrote, “Until we make the unconscious conscious, it will rule our lives and we will call it fate.” Our unconscious feelings don’t go away if we don’t talk about them. Instead they get bigger and secretly rule our lives.

In this Five Things Friday, our expert team brings our deep dark feelings to the surface so we can bring them into the light, talk about them, and integrate them into our parent journey of healing and growth.

1. Regret

“A person is not old until their regrets take the place of their dreams.” - Yiddish proverb

Regret is a feeling of sadness about something that has happened (or didn’t happen) and that we wish would’ve turned out differently. It stings and festers because regret is usually over something that can’t be changed.

Most every parent has regrets about being a better parent. “We should’ve known better; we should’ve done better; we should’ve been better” ring on repeat in our minds. It’s natural to try to avoid or ignore feelings of regret because they’re usually connected to the feeling of helplessness and the idea that there is nothing that can be done to fix it.

However, when we open up and start to talk about feelings of regret, we start to see that there is always some action we are being called to take. Perhaps it’s an apology and relational repair. Perhaps it’s a recognition that we need to take positive steps in our own growth. Or maybe what we need is to forgive ourselves and let wounded inner parts know that we did our best at the time, even if the outcome wasn’t what we wanted it to be.

2. Loneliness

“All great and precious things are lonely.” - John Steinbeck

As parents, we are rarely ever truly alone. But nevertheless, parenting can feel quite lonely at times. Getting deep and real connection, whether it’s with our partner or a friend, can seem impossible amidst all the scheduling, to-do lists, demands, and feelings of exhaustion. We can be surrounded by people, but still feel so alone.

Our lives are fundamentally changed by parenthood and this affects old friendships and makes new friendships even more difficult. We might feel that sharing these feelings of loneliness with others will make us look weak, needy, or inadequate. But this sharing can be a lifeline.

Sharing our feelings of loneliness with a safe and trusted individual can be the greatest antidote to loneliness. As we open up to another, they see us and this allows them to open up in return. Sometimes, just sharing in each others’ loneliness is a deep and beautiful connection in itself.

3. Inadequacy

“Imperfection is not our personal problem – it is a natural part of existing.” - Tara Brach

Do you ever have the feeling like you’re just not good enough (as a parent, a partner, a friend, a colleague, etc.)? Like you just don’t have what it takes (whatever “it” is)? There are probably only two types of people who don’t feel these things: those in deep denial and sociopaths.

It’s not just imperfection that’s a natural part of existing, but feelings of imperfection as well. We might try to ignore or avoid these feelings, but they're with us nevertheless. They bubble up as a need for control, rigidity, and perfectionism. The more we resist feelings of inadequacy, the more pressure builds inside to be super adequate.

When we relax just a bit and start to open up and talk about these feelings, our inner system loosens and we can see what hopeless games perfectionism and control are. We can start to see that our quest to wipe out feelings of inadequacy was a quest to be worthy of love. And this quest is pointless because we are always already worthy of love.

4. Helplessness

“Beneath anger lies helplessness.” - Unknown

Parenting brings up so many instances of helplessness. Can you protect them from every danger in the world? Will your child develop a disease or learning disability? Will they like the things you like or marry a good person? Let’s face it. As parents we’re often helpless.

Few things are scarier than facing helplessness.This is why we do whatever we can to avoid feeling helpless: plan, control, and get sh*t done. But when things don’t go to plan, or things get out of control, or sh*t hits the fan, the feelings of helplessness rush in, quickly followed by anger.

Anger helps us cover for helplessness by projecting the nervous energy we’re feeling outward. A part of us feels that the rage might bring things back within our control, and if it doesn’t work then at least we’ll feel more in control. Anger has a certain distracting or numbing quality that can help us ignore the deeper feelings of helplessness.

But when we can openly talk about our feelings of helplessness, we let others into our world where they can share the emotional burden. This connection defuses the anxiety and moves us toward acceptance of our limited ability to control anything at all in this life. Only then can we step into the flow of life and begin to dance with the joys and the pains, the laughter and the sorrows. These feelings of helplessness are ultimately signs that we love deeply.

5. Shame

“Shame is a soul eating emotion.” - Carl Jung

When we talk about shame, we’re talking about that isolating feeling that there is something deeply wrong and broken in us. It’s different from guilt because guilt connects us to other people by driving us to repair something that we have broken. With shame, the feeling is that it is us who is broken.

This is perhaps the most difficult feeling to talk about because it feels as though to speak it would confirm for others how truly broken we are. So shame gets pushed deeper down and comes out by driving us to push others away, judge and criticize others, and avoid real connection.  

When we start to talk about feelings of shame with others who are ready to authentically share their feelings as well, we feel the nourishment of deep connection with another. No hiding, no judging, no avoiding, just two imperfect, open-hearted humans walking each other home.

‍