Every infant is born with two needs: attachment and authenticity. Attachment is the care, contact, and acceptance we receive from others, without which we couldn’t survive. The other need, authenticity, is the freedom to acknowledge what we feel and express our feelings through our bodies and words. Philosophers and psychologists have talked about the tension between these two needs, usually highlighting how our need for attachment trumps our need for authenticity.

Sigmund Freud wrote that civilization is just one long parade of attachment triumphing over human authenticity. Most people who live in modern society have learned to discipline their authentic feelings and expressions so that they can behave and cooperate in massive social institutions.

Closer to our concern, the physician and addiction specialist Gabor Maté, MD, has noted that in nearly all families, children quickly come to the realization:

If I'm authentic, my parents will reject me. If I feel what I feel and express what I feel and insist on my own truth, my parents can't handle it. And parents convey these messages unconsciously all the time not because they mean to, not because they don't love the child, not because they're not trying to do their best, but because they themselves have been suppressed, traumatized, hurt or stressed.

The cycle is perpetuated generation after generation: it is not ok to feel what you feel, and certainly not ok to express what you feel. And then we, quite unconsciously, do this to our kids because that which we cannot accept in ourselves we cannot accept in others.

So, how do we get out of this cycle? The answer is emotional processing, which is a broad term for four sequential moves:

1. Slow down and open your awareness to your feelings
2. Use your inner curiosity to learn about your feelings and come to see them as essential and important parts of who you are
3. Express your feelings physically and verbally
4. Relax back into your authentic self

This sequence is based on many different therapeutic approaches, from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and somatic therapy to Person-Centered Therapy and Internal Family Systems Therapy. What these all have in common are the ideas that:

• We are not broken; we are, at a fundamental level, whole.
• Since childhood, parts of us have learned to protect ourselves from overwhelming pain, fear, and threat through control, distraction, avoidance, and resistance.
• If we can find ways to let these parts relax, feel safe, and be expressed, then our authentic selves can emerge.

For parents, the benefit of emotional processing goes way beyond individual benefits. As you learn how to relate to your own negative feelings and emotional wounds with compassion, you’ll automatically begin to relate to your kids, partner, and other loved ones in new ways.

The toddler meltdown becomes an opportunity to turn inward and notice the feelings you’re not allowing in yourself or your child. The argument with your partner turns into an opportunity to honestly reveal your pain and defensiveness. The disconnection with your teenager opens up space for you to acknowledge and express your sadness and love.

How do parents benefit from emotional processing?

When I work as an emotional processing coach with parents, I often hear things like, “Keeping my feelings away has made me successful,” or “If I get in touch with what’s deep inside, it could be overwhelming,” or “What if digging deep into my feelings creates more conflict in my life?”

All of these concerns are valid and make total sense. It’s often easier to stay with the stuckness and pain you have rather than take a leap into the unknown that could mean more stuckness and pain. But emotional processing, when done slowly and steadily, produces amazing results in a short amount of time.

Here is what I and other coaches and therapists regularly see after a few deep emotional processing sessions:

• A sense of inner relaxation
• Feeling more present with their kids and partner
• More openness to others’ feelings (both positive and negative)
• More distance between a triggering event and responding to the triggering event
• Greater understanding of their own emotional world
• Greater self-compassion
• Greater clarity about big or persistent problems

And this list doesn’t even touch on things like better sleep, more energy, and improved attention. And while this list might sound too good to be true, it all makes sense when viewed in the context of our fundamental needs mentioned at the beginning of this article.

When we allow ourselves the authenticity that we had to suppress our entire lives, so much in our lives begins to flow, mentally, physically, and relationally. It might be a little rocky at first as our inner system and outer relationships adjust. But over time, our lives start to naturally align as we step into higher levels of both authenticity and attachment.

Emotional processing is a skill that takes practice

It is not natural for humans to be cut off from their feelings. It takes a lot of practice, which most of us got throughout our childhood. Whether it was “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” or the more gentle “time out,” we all got plenty of practice early on in controlling our emotions. And whatever we didn’t learn in childhood, we certainly caught up on in adolescence as peers take over the role of emotional discipline.

What took a long time to learn takes a long time to unlearn. The most powerful emotional processing occurs in one-on-one sessions with a trained therapist or emotional processing coach. But huge shifts internally and in our relationships can happen pretty quickly even with solo practice.

If you’re ready to start emotional processing, you can begin with three simple steps:

1. As often as possible throughout your day, observe what you’re feeling in your body. For extra bonus points, try to name as accurately as possible, exactly what you’re feeling.
2. Talk to your partner or a close friend about what you’re feeling. Try not to get into the why. That’s often just a rationalizing part of your mind trying to keep you from fully experiencing what you’re feeling.
3. Listen to our Wednesday Wind-Down recordings, which are usually focused on some aspect of emotional processing.

If you’re not ready to start emotional processing, that’s ok too! You made it to the end of this article, which means you have parts inside that are ready to lay down their shields and weapons and start feeling the weight of the emotional burdens they’ve protected for so long. Take it slow and steady, and when you’re ready Yes Collective will be here with tools, resources, and personal coaching support to help you start this journey back home, to your authentic self.

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