Relationship tool #1: Self-acceptance - Ryel Kestano, co-founder, Authentic Relating International

In episode 12 of our podcast, Audra asked Ryel about the role of acceptance in building deeper, more loving family relationships. Ryel's answer surprised us:

"That which we don't welcome in ourselves is that which we don't welcome in others. So those parts of ourselves that we are uncomfortable with in ourselves will be projected in our discomfort in those same parts, in other people."

Ryel went on to explain that really coming to accept and have compassion for the parts of us that we most harshly judge or fear or resist will open the way for us to accept and have compassion for the most important people in our lives. This requires some serious inner work:

"To the degree that I can deepen a sense of intimacy with all aspects and parts of myself, the same degree to which I'm cultivating a deeper capacity to be with the experience of others. And that, to me, is the intimacy, the ability to remain in connection and in our bodies and our awareness, in our hearts, no matter what arises for us and for other people."

Relationship tool #2: LUFU - Jayson Gaddis, founder of the Relationship School

We asked Jayson about one of his best-known relationship coaching tools: LUFU - Listen Until the other person Feels Understood. Justin noted how easy it was for him to misunderstand LUFU. At first, he thought that it was simply listening until the listener feels like they understand the other person.

Nope! It’s listening until the other person tells the listener they feel understood. A big and game-changing difference.

The short story of how LUFU got created for me was because I kept listening to my wife in a really stubborn way and she'd say, “I don't feel understood.” I'd say, “Well, I do understand you. I don't know what you're talking about. You just said . . .” And I’d repeat back what she said, and she's like, “No, I don't feel understood.” And so that went on for years and I was like: this is getting nowhere.

So I said, ok, I'm going to put the lever of understanding actually with her, and I'm going to say, “I don't understand you until you let me know that you feel understood by me.” And that changed everything for me and us because I became a better listener that day.

And I was like, oh wow, I’m now going to have to apply myself even more because a lot of the time she shuts me down and is like, “No dude, you don't get it.” And I'm like, “Ok, cool, let me try again,” or “I need some space and I'll come back and try again later because I'm too upset.”

Relationship tool #3: Validation - Jenny Walters, LMFT, author, therapist, and founder of Highland Park Holistic Psychotherapy

In our Thriving Through the Teen Years workshop, Jenny created an amazing lesson on validation. If you’re like us, you might have assumptions that validation involves approval and agreement. But Jenny showed us that it’s not that at all. It’s simply listening enough so that you understand the other person and what they’re thinking, feeling, or doing makes sense.

You can still disapprove and disagree while recognizing and accepting that your partner's thoughts, feelings, sensations, and behaviors are understandable and make sense in their situation.

We all know that validation feels good. When someone lets us know that our thoughts, feelings, and actions make sense and they understand where we’re coming from, we relax a bit inside and feel more connected. It feels good because we feel seen and heard.

If you don’t really understand your partner’s feelings and actions (and thus can’t truly validate them) then get more curious, ask more questions, and listen more carefully.

Relationship tool #4: Emotional co-regulation - Lindsay Fiore, relationship coach

In our Conscious Coupling workshop here in the Yes Collective, Lindsay outlines five ways couples can repair after conflict. One of the ways is called emotional co-regulation. This is where each partner helps the other one calm down and feel safe, even if they’re both activated.

After you’ve returned to your center, you can ask your partner  if they’re available to connect. If they are available, get curious as to what each of you may need in the moment. Is it a long hug, holding hands or maintaining eye contact? Perhaps hearing the words, “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere,” may be exactly the words one or both of you need to hear. Your love languages will influence what you need in this moment of re-connection. Lean into the vulnerability of asking for what you need from your partner in this moment of re-attunement.

To learn more about emotional co-regulation, check out our Conscious Coupling workshop here.

Relationship tool #5: Deeper curiosity — Alicia Wuth, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist and Director of Mental and Emotional Health at Yes Collective

Alicia offers up her go-to relationship tool: deeper self-curiosity.

A powerful relationship tool for me has been looking within myself with curiosity. Naturally, in any relationship it's easy to look externally to blame others for what we may be feeling inside. The real, deep and powerful work, however, is looking at ourselves and becoming curious about what is happening in our inner world.

We are naturally triggered by others when an unhealed inner part of us is activated. Instead of looking outside for answers, I want to take a moment, to pause, breathe, and ask myself what is this really about? I begin by observing what’s going on inside and getting curious about my judgments, needs, motivations, and difficult feelings.

You can give this a try by asking yourself: “I wonder what is being activated within myself right now that may be leading me to feel this way?” Or “Gosh, I’ve noticed myself being judgmental of others. Is it possible that these are just self-criticisms that I’m projecting outward?” Learning how to become curious about our own triggers and projections is tough work. It requires patience, perseverance and practice, but it's well worth it!

Remember that it's impossible to become curious about our own self-doubts when we are in a state of chronic fight or flight (thinking anxious negative thoughts and a dysregulated nervous system). So before asking ourselves the tough questions, it’s a good idea to first pause and engage in some grounding techniques to calm our nervous systems (e.g., belly breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, listening to calm music, going for a quiet walk alone).

What's even more powerful is that we can incorporate our kids into this work as well! When we begin to master the art of being curious within ourselves, we can then extend this tool outward to others, especially our kids!

The next time our child is having a tantrum or expressing negative emotions, pause, take some deep breaths and become genuinely curious about what may be going on internally for them.

When we engage with others from a stance of genuine curiosity, and drop all assumptions, we allow ourselves to be authentically engaged with another human. By remaining open, honest and curious we learn more about our child's inner world and continue to build a foundational base of trust.