Does it seem like you and your partner continue to have the same argument over and over again? Do you feel like your arguments are becoming pointless and it’s easier just to avoid issues and shut down? Do you feel like so much is left unsaid because saying what you really feel will just lead to more conflict?

According to expert relationship therapists and coaches, the danger for marriages is not so much in the conflict itself as it is in the slow drifting apart that comes from avoiding conflict. If we can learn some new skills that allow us to express ourselves—and listen—in a safe and caring way, then conflict can actually become a path to understanding and deepening connection.

Today, we’re gonna take a look at five powerful, expert-backed communication skills that will help your relationships grow, deepen, and thrive.

1. Make two commitments: the first to connection, the second to honesty

Before saying a word, check in with yourself internally: are you committed to sustaining and deepening your relationship with your partner despite potential differences and conflicts?

If the answer is no, then it’s almost impossible to use the following communication skills to build the relationship. A commitment to connection comes first, all else follows. There is no magic trick for generating this commitment. It’s something that you choose, and something that only you can know if it resonates in your heart.

After committing to connection, the second commitment is to honestly reveal your desires, your values, and your fears. In most long-term relationships this can be dangerous because some of these desires, values, and fears have either remained unspoken for a long time or are a known source of conflict.

2. Slow down

Before sharing or responding, take deep breaths and slow down. Remember to do this before, during, and after interacting with your partner.

Slowing down allows you to tune in to your own feelings as well as recognize what your partner is feeling. From this pause in the action, new possibilities emerge.

3. Touch base on your commitments

Set aside time with your partner to talk about your two commitments (to connection and honesty) and ask them how they feel hearing this. The two commitments are really commitments for relating in a new way with one another.

You’re saying: I want to reveal my authentic, true self to you, but I also want to do it in a way that supports our relationship, our love, and our mutual understanding. Go into this talk with no agenda but to express your commitments and openly listen to how they feel hearing them.

4. Reflect what you heard your partner say

Anytime things get a little heated or tense, take a pause and sincerely reflect back to your partner what you heard them saying. Use “I statements” and focus the reflections on what you experienced.

Be sure you don’t do it word-for-word. Rather, in your own words, honestly relay to them what you hear them saying. And then allow for them to clarify. Rinse and repeat until your partner feels understood.

5. Own your experience

In most relationship conflicts, our knee-jerk reaction is to make the other person 100% responsible for our feelings. We think that we feel emotionally hurt, insulted, or neglected because the other person said the hurtful thing, did the insulting thing, or neglected to do the caring thing.

And while the other person may bear some (or even a lot of) responsibility, our feelings are usually triggered by our own unique (often childhood) histories of being hurt, insulted, or neglected.

Own your experience by speaking in undeniable truths: when you experienced X, you felt Y. You are not saying the other person caused your experience; you are not saying the other person caused your feelings and you are not assigning blame on the other person. Instead, you are owning your experience and owning your feelings.

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